Haven't been in the creative mood much lately. Heartbroken, alone, scared, angry...you tend to not want to do much of anything. Hardly believe i managed to get to work today. There's some things i forgot to say to someone that i might as well put up here, since I can't really talk to her anymore, mostly because i'm angry at her. i don't want to be, but after the past few months, holding everything in without actually being able to let out that frustration because she didn't want to hear it, i don't really care anymore. i'm hurting, i'm broken. i've given everything i have to her, my friends, my family, and myself. and i've come up short every fucking time. i just can't measure up to anything. what is it about me that gets me in these situations? everybody has those days, but do they fuck up as often as i seem to? for no apparent reason other than wrong place, wrong time, wrong feelings? i was her court jester, plain and simple. She denied it, but that was our invisible, unspoken contract. " Be funny, no questions asked. we'll talk about our respective days and so forth, but make with the funny after that. You step into serious discussion territory, I leave. Sign here." I tried really hard to understand her. Through that last few months of high school on up. Still trying. not like, i study it every night sorta thing, but if a memory comes up, i analyze it, see what i interpret from it. i have my theories, but it shouldn't really matter anymore. i most likely won't hear from her again. i want to sooo bad. i'm thinking it was a big mistake to say that i shouldn't speak or hear from/to her anymore, because i was becoming unstable. i didn't want to hurt her feelings anymore than i may have already did. Sometimes you love someone so much you gotta let them go. maybe this is what whoever said that first meant.

We never dated, we were just friends. i think i'm making this seem more dramatic than it was. It's just how i write. try to tone it down in your mind.

Basically i got those stupid feelings and shit went to hell. I'm not sure where to go from here, but all i know is that i gotta go it alone.